Quickly, There's No Time To Explain!

We've acquired a few new athletes at Oliphant's, and I'm suddenly forced to explain, between sets, the basic concepts behind a beginners lifting program. Between the effects of volume work and what I'm sure is the early onset of Clint Eastwood Syndrome, my explanations probably fall short in the coherency department.

Lower! 

In the interests of maintaining my own sanity, I've decided to put together a quick primer on strength training. That way, when someone is interested in working in with the lifting crew, I can put a finger on their trembling lips and say "Now is not the time for words, my pet. Get in the squat rack.". Once they've finished their sets, changed, and had a good cry in the shower, the primer is something I can put in their grubby little paws to give them guidance to life beyond the first workout. This would alleviate me having to hang around in my post-workout fugue state trying to jot down most of Starting Strength in their training log.

Below is an excerpt, covering arguably the most important part of the document. Comments encouraged.

So You’re Tired of Being Weak

A Frank Primer on Strength Training

Preface: Do You Need Strength Training?
or 
You’re Probably Weaker Than You Think You Are

Often times, the most influential factor that affects a person’s views towards strength training is their mistaken belief that they are strong. If this applies to you, there is a very simple way to dispel this belief.

Step 1: Figure out how much you can squat with a barbell on your back. Not how much you can push on the hack squat, knee extension, or whatever bulls**t machine: Put a barbell on your back, and squat until the crease of your hip goes below your knees and then stand up. Anything that stops before that critical ‘below parallel’ depth is a lie, and belongs in places where people lovingly gaze at their oiled bodies in the mirror for unhealthy periods of time. Repeat this 5 times: 5 squats without putting the bar back on the rack. Don’t be stupid: if your legs are buckling like a newborn foal before your knees even bend, put that bar back on the rack and revise your plans.

Step 2: Find your Weight and corresponding Max Squat on the Squat Standards charts below. If you squat less than the corresponding 5 rep max for your weight class, you are weak.

Men Body Weight 5 Rep Max 114 149 123 162 132 174 148 196 165 213 181 230 198 242 220 255 242 264 275 272 319 276 320+ 281

Women Body Weight 5 Rep Max 97 85 105 89 114 98 123 102 132 111 148 119 165 128 181 140 198 149 199+ 157

If, through this rigorous testing process, you have determined that you are weak, you now have a choice: you can continue to be weak, or you can adopt a strength training program. If you choose to adopt a strength training program, turn to Part 1: Your First Strength Program. If you do not, your continued non-compliance is unwelcome, and the world of strength training will bid you good day. I said GOOD DAY.

If you discovered you are strong: Congratulations. Give yourself a banana sticker. However, it should be noted that these numbers are minimums in the world of strength. It would behoove you to note that Louie Simmons has squatted 920 pounds. At age 50. After shattering his L-5 vertebra. Compare this with your squat. Contemplate this difference on the Tree of Woe. Most people who wish to get stronger beyond these minimum requirements will adopt an intermediate program, of which there are many. Two of these are addressed in Part 2: Intermediate Strength Programs.

Part 1: Your First Strength Program

or 

Linear Progression for Dummies

Congratulations on deciding to become strong.

Part 2: Intermediate Strength Programs

or 

Welcome to Funtown

You’ve made it this far. Good for you.